For many years, I had a complicated relationship with shopping. I would buy something and then immediately feel guilty about spending money. That guilt would ruin any enjoyment of the newly purchased item. In response, I would swing to the opposite extreme of strict frugality. I would deny myself things I wanted, only to feel deprived. The pendulum kept swinging from excessive shopping followed by regret, then extreme restraint that also left me unsatisfied.
Another issue I struggled with was impulse buying. I would see something interesting, unusual, or aesthetically pleasing, and I would buy it on a whim. Often, these were things I didn’t need, never wore, or that didn’t fit my lifestyle. Shopping had become a cycle of buying and regret, deprivation and longing.
The Pendulum of Shopping Shame
My struggles with shopping often followed the same pattern:
- Impulse Buying: I’d see something shiny, quirky, or novel, maybe a bold outfit I’d never wear or a gadget that didn’t fit my lifestyle and buy it on a whim. Later, I’d feel guilty for wasting money on something unnecessary.
- Overcorrection: To “fix” my habits, I’d swear off shopping entirely, limiting myself to only the bare necessities. But this left me feeling deprived, scrolling wistfully through wishlists I refused to indulge.
- Repeat: Eventually, the pendulum would swing back, and I’d cave to another impulse buy, restarting the cycle of guilt.
The problem was clear: Buying felt bad. Not buying also felt bad. I needed a new approach.
Finding a New Approach
One day, I asked myself: How can I normalize my relationship with shopping? How can I make peace with it?
I decided to start with a simple first step. I would allow myself to fully enjoy whatever I bought. If I made a purchase, I would embrace it fully and reject any guilt. “Feelings of buyer’s remorse be gone.” I told myself. I focused on the pleasure of shopping: going to the mall, selecting something new, bringing it home, unwrapping it, and actually using it. Whether it was clothing, makeup, shoes, or perfume, I gave myself permission to relish these moments.
You might think that this step would be easy. Right? But actually it took several months of practice before I was able to achieve it. I would buy something determined to focus on the joy of owning it, but find those old feeling creeping in. I guess old habits die hard. With repeated effort I was finally able to get there. I still remember a particular handbag I brought home from the mall. I held it in my hands while sitting on the couch, closed my eyes and said to myself: “I am happy to have this.” I could feel all those negative feelings dissolving away. That was a turning point. I was able to buy something, without reprimanding myself about it.
This naturally led to the next step. Enjoying things I already owned. I began appreciating what was already in my closet. I stopped treating my past purchases as mistakes and instead embraced them as treasures. If I had spent money on something beautiful, why not wear it, use it, and enjoy it?
A necklace buried in my jewelry box, a dress hanging untouched in my closet with tags still on. I gave myself permission to wear, use, and appreciate them. This practice not only curbed my desire to buy more but also deepened my gratitude for what I had.
Finding Joy in Not Buying
The next stage of the transformation was discovering the pleasure in not buying. I learned that I could go to a mall, admire beautiful things, and leave without feeling deprived. There is a unique pleasure in window shopping. Instead of fixating on what I couldn’t have, I focused on how lovely things looked, enjoying them without needing to own them. I found peace in the idea that not every appealing item had to come home with me. In fact, not buying something created space for me to enjoy what I already had. I admired beautiful displays, appreciated craftsmanship, and treated browsing as an adventure. There’s a unique peace in walking away empty-handed, knowing you’ve avoided clutter and saved space, both physically and mentally, for things that truly matter.
I was able to stroll through the mall, have a jolly good time, walk away empty handed without feeling deprived.
Over time, my entire shopping experience changed. I no longer felt tormented by purchases or the lack thereof. Shopping became enjoyable in all its forms. Browsing, buying, owning, and walking away. I call this part: making peace with shopping.
Striking a Balance
Online, there seems to be two camps. One camp advocating minimalism and frugality. People declaring they will buy nothing for a year. The second camp includes influencers with fashion halls always purchasing the latest, shiniest and newest thing. Both camps have a valid place in the landscape. I’ve found a balance between these extremes that works for me. I neither deny myself nor indulge excessively. Instead, I’ve cultivated a mindful approach that brings me maximum joy.
Applying This Mindset to Other Areas
This transformation has inspired me to apply the same principles to other aspects of my life. Areas of my life that are more challenging. One area I want to work on next is my relationship with writing. Just like shopping, writing has been fraught with emotional struggles. If I can make peace with shopping, perhaps I can do the same with creative writing and other difficult areas of life.
An interesting side effect of this journey is that impulse buying has almost completely disappeared. I no longer make rash purchases that don’t fit my lifestyle. Without forcing it, my choices naturally became more thoughtful and aligned with my needs. I don’t even have to think about it.
By making peace with shopping, I not only improved my relationship with money and possessions, but I also gained a sense of empowerment and balance that I can carry into other areas of my life. And that, to me, is priceless.