At this point, I became qualified to write the anti-self-help book. A de-motivational manifesto to show the masses an easy to follow program on how to fail in everything. How to alienate your friends in 30 days, ruin your career, annoy your family, bust up your marriage, gain weight and be an all-out miserable person while creating a life that you hate. Here are a few easy steps, that if you follow consistently you will create your nightmare life.
Blame your mother for everything that is wrong in your life. Think long and hard into your childhood and remember all the things that your mother did wrong. That sheppard’s pie she botched, the art work she neglected to put on the fridge or perhaps the strange sense of fashion she had … write it all down and then convince yourself that your life would be perfect if only your mother was perfect as well.
If you are not able to blame something on your mother, for example the state of the economy … no problem, just find somebody else to blame: New Immigrants and people who don’t speak English are excellent targets for such exercise because they are less likely to defend themselves.
Read about all the injustices of the world and keep a daily journal of why you hate the world and everybody in it. There are about a billion reasons to hate to the world, so the sooner you get started on your “I hate the world” journal the more likely you are to come up with a complete inventory.
Never take responsibility for your behaviour …. that is what alcohol is for.
Don’t believe all that nonsense about being special, we all suck. So let’s suck together. Misery loves company.
Doesn’t matter where you are or what situation you are in, there is always a creative way to find fault even in the most perfect of people and most delightful of situations. Make sure to communicate this unique creative talent loudly and clearly.
Always dwell on the dark side of life.
Remember you are a victim. A victim of circumstance, you were born at the wrong time in history into the wrong situation. You are completely helpless when facing the crushing wheel of destiny.
You don’t have feelings. These are merely chemical reactions that happens inside your brain and paying any attention to them is a waste of time. Paying attention to other people’s brain chemical reactions is even a worse waste of time.
Never focus your attention on any one thing. Always attempt to do 50 things all at the same time. That way you can fail miserably at more things at a more efficient rate.
We all gonna die anyway, so why pay attention to your health..
It is possible that Jesus loves you, but everybody else thinks you are an asshole..
Depression is your birth right. Anybody who is telling you to cheer up or to get over it is violating your human rights..
It takes 43 muscles to frown and only 17 muscles to smile, skip the gym and just keep a permanent frown on your face for a cheaper workout..
All creative people were depressed, think Van Gogh, Leo Tolstoy, Virginia Wolf, Edvard Munch. What creative opportunities are your missing out on when you are happy?.
You were born to suffer, your mission in life is to prove to everybody else that you have suffered more than they did..
All happy people are supressing their inner depression and need help to uncover their deep dark secrets. Do all your happy friends a huge favour and find a way to depress them by reminding them of everything that sucks in their life. They will thank you later for it.
I need to come up with a title for my de-motivational, self- destruct book. Any suggestions? How about? How to create your nightmare life, Born to suffer, How to destroy your life and everybody else’s around you, Stop being so Darn Positive, Get Real and be Depressed, Mastering the art of hating everything, Overcoming positivity, .. I like all these titles, but none of them are capturing the full power of my unique book.