Fish On A Bicycle 5

Here is a clip of me reading A Fish On A Bicycle (a short story) at the Vancouver International Writers Festival. Open Mic event. I ran out of time and so had to cut the story short. But you can read the full text of A Fish On A Bicycle below.

Fish on a Bicycle

There once was a fish that swam happily in the sea and was as happy as … well as happy as a fish swimming in the sea could be. One day when the happy fish was swimming near the shore, it heard a wise voice from above say : “A woman needs a husband, like a fish needs a bicycle”. The fish felt riveted by what it heard. “A bicycle! …. A bicycle! … A bicycle” … the fish repeated the word in its mind like a chant. “O something that I don’t need” … thought the happy fish lustfully. “For once to have something that I don’t need, would be something indeed”. And so the fish swam around the sea, feeling slightly less happy than happy can be, singing to herself a tune that can never be: “ I want to ride a bicycle, I want to ride a bicycle, I want to ride a bicycle, I want to be a fish on a bicycle”. And then one day as if by magic, the less happy than happy can be fish took a wrong turn and felt lost in the big sea. In a panic, the fish twirled around and zigzagged in random shapes, until it found itself in a never before encountered reef. As the sun sent its golden rays down the shallow end, darkness uncovered the way theater drapes part on an opening night, and there it was, a shining object with two wheels. The fish’s heart skipped two beats and wobbly wobbles went up and down its imaginary knees. “God is indeed great” professed the fish. For it had wished, yearned and asked, but only an empowered creator could have answered back so eloquently. The fish stared at the bicycle in awe and with great trepidation approached it attentively. “I am, I am going to be a fish on a bicycle” said the fish. First the fish had to untangle the weed that entwined itself around the frame and across the wire. Then the fish made sure to place a colored ring around the wire of the front wheel to mark it as taken. The fish was certain that had any other fish discovered this treasure it would lay its immediate claim. Now that the bicycle was cleaned and marked, it still looked unsatisfied. The fish knew that a bicycle was made for riding and not lying on one side. That is when the fish realized that her imaginary knees and knuckles better materialize. And so the fish swam to the Odd Objects store, where little fishes went to play pranks on their cousins and buy Halloween trappings. Among the soggy shelves it found sand blasting guns and plastic fins. But at the back of the store in the “Dropped from Heaven” department it found what delighted. Prosthetic human limbs, with the necessary knuckles and knees, the fish purchased without asking the price and went home feeling most accomplished. The fish spent all her evening strapping on legs , arms and practicing wobbling motions to bring them alive. After many failed attempts, the fish felt confident. It decided to approach the prized possession in her new disposition. The bicycle seemed mildly impressed with the fish’s hearty attempt. But Alas, all riding trials ended with the fish buried under a pile. The fish now was the most unhappy fish in the sea. It practiced and practiced with wobbly motions of all kind until a precise choreography of torso movements yielded mastery of limbs. The unhappy fish approached the bicycle with a new determination. And lo and behold! A riding experience was in the cards. The fish on a bicycle rode gingerly, around and around in a circle, and then in straight line. All the creatures of the sea, looked upon with amazement. Even the octopus and the shark spared precious moments to notice. The tortoise smiled for the first time in 50 years and the star fish took a vow of non violence. They all pointed a finger and said: “Look! A fish on a bicycle.” For times, they are changing and the signs were clear as can be. They sensed they had witnessed history. The fish puffed up it chest in victory and rode around every day to applause and adoration. The bicycle seemed pleased, but not all was well in the sea. A few logical fishes doubted the victorious fish and asked annoying logical questions : “Why ride a bicycle when you can swim faster? Why defy nature when god gave us scales and fins? A fish is not a human. Pretending something that you can’t be is a dangerous venture”. But the victorious fish answered them with clever retorts that silenced them: “You dumb doubters don’t you see? This is progress, it is called technology. Today I ride gingerly in a straight line, tomorrow I will zip around like a devil on ecstasy. You old fashioned fish don’t matter; it is us modern fish that hold the future in our nonexistent fingers”. In this state of defiance, the fish knew that it had to perform. In order to ride with required speed, the defiant fish needed to construct an elaborate plan to level paths and roads so that the bicycle could speedily navigate around. Although the doubters have been silenced, the defiant fish was certain that their doubting voices would rise again. As the vigorous training program for bicycle racing began, the astonishing happened. The bicycle spoke. Its first words in the sea where screeching moaning sounds of whining. “eeeemmmmmmmmmm, I do not like to forge ahead with this haste, I do not enjoy being ridden by a fish, I do feel nauseated by the wetness of the salty sea”. The shocked fish was dumb founded. Completely aghast, “Why didn’t you say something sooner, until now I thought you were deaf and mute”. “Oooooooo! I didn’t want too seem excessively fussy”, replied the bicycle. “That bastard!” …. er … I mean …. “That illegitimate love child of a car and a unicycle!” … “After everything I have done for him!”…. er …. I mean “After everything I have done for it!” … The shocked fish began to scream and in complete hysterics picked up the bike with all its might and threw it to the shore. As tears poured down the depressed fish’s cheeks, it took off the fake limbs. Much to its surprise it found that real limbs had began to grow out of its torso and the depressed fish realized that it had forgotten how to swim. The fish sat next to the shore and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. “O! One day when I am finished sobbing, I will teach myself how to swim using these new limbs, who knows perhaps I will invent a novel way of swimming for fish” said the depressed fish to console herself. “And if that doesn’t work, I have heard that they can do wonders with plastic surgery these days” the depressed fish continued. That is when the depressed fish heard the wise voice from above again: “I told you that a woman needs a husband, like fish needs a bicycle. Next time why don’t you poke yourself in the eye instead and save yourself the heartache”. And so the fish started a poke in the eye business, where the young and foolish fishes could ,for a fee, get a poke in the eye using the depressed fish’s new limbs to immunize themselves from heartache. Her business motto was “A fish needs a bicycle like a woman needs a husband”. And the fish lived forever after bitterly.



fish on a bicycle

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5 thoughts on “Fish On A Bicycle

  • Shoes for Iraq

    Was it a Lung-fish? It could have moved onshore and developed a land-based business, demonstrating to seashore day-trippers its remarkable advance. Some tourists will pay through the nose to see animals riding on bikes, and to my knowledge there are no known competitors in the "real-fish on bike" market. The bicycle might have been a much more amenable partner in its native environment, and the fish might have retired to the shallows by night. The business could have been very successful, considering the entrepreneurial and adaptive nature of the fish. Not that I consider myself a consultant in this scenario, having never heard of such a thing before. It gives me a shiver to think of all those little blind fish swimming around without their faculties, after having been poked in the eye.

  • ihath

    Shoes for Iraq,

    For the record, the poke is not blinding, hurts just enough to immunize against heartache without effecting eye sight. Another idea I had for the enterprising fish would be to start a business selling pieces of the separation wall, chunks with artwork or graffiti on them will be especially valuable. This sparks a huge illegal wall demolition movement on both the Palestinian and Israeli side. The wall completely disappears within two years. Nothing like greed to make people work towards peace.

  • Shoes for Iraq

    Well if you rewrite the story to include a wall memorial, can I be attributed somewhere in it as "Shoes". You are quite right though. The market in wall chunks has far from reached exhaustion, in fact the recessive economic climate most of us are weathering seems to be fuelling it. After the Palestinian's and the Israeli's wall has been demolished, the fish could even build a new one. Perhaps between Iran and whoever wants to be on the other side. Just because of the lucrative market in wall tours, that some would perpetually maintain.

  • ihath

    Shoes for Iraq, The wall story arc has a strong potential. For certain, I will reference you, when I get to work on it. Right now, I am working on a story about a garden gnome.