For most of my career I worked in companies where I was the only woman. There was always me and the receptionist and maybe the bookkeeper. Everybody else was male. All my coworkers, bosses …etc. In every single meeting I was the only female in the boardroom. There were times when I felt like a freak. Why am I the only woman interested in computer programming? Why can’t I like nursing or teaching. In this super male environment I frequently found it embarrassing the way some guys would talk about women. Commenting on the size of their boobs and thighs, making disgusting noises, taking about how wonderful or not they are in bed. The more I blushed the more they seemed to delight in it. The self-righteous speech about “women are not sex objects” only made matters worst. I felt depressed. I want to be treated with respect and dignity; I want to be treated as a person not as a potential sex conquest. Eventually, I found a method that solved this problem completely. This method is so effective and has worked for me so many times that I should patent it. But I will share it with you for free. Before I explain it to you let me give you a few examples.
Angry Woman Story #1
I am sitting in the lunchroom eating a sandwich. My coworkers Steve and David are discussing the difference between fake and natural breasts. They are guessing which actresses have natural and which have fake. An inappropriate topic for discussion at the office lunchroom in the presence of a women, don’t you think? Steve asserts that natural boobs feel completely different from boobs that have been enhanced with breast implants. I ask him how does he know all this. Steve smiles in a sneaky way and says “I just know”. I say, “I think I know how Steve knows the difference between the two. I bet you he has purchased a pair of fake breasts implants, which he fondles at home at night. He probably has them in his brief case right now.” Everybody in the lunchroom is laughing his head off. Steve’s face turns red and he never discusses boobs in my presence ever again.
Angry Woman Story #2
I ask my coworker who reports to me to write a report on a technical matter. Few days later I ask him if he has finished the report. He answers “Oh, when you asked me to write the report I thought you were faking….. you know….. the way women fake the other thing … ha ha ha ha”. An inappropriate answer, don’t you think? I look straight into his eyes and tell him. “Honey, maybe you are talking from a personal experience, maybe this happens to you all the time, the faking is entirely dependent on the man, you know!”, The guy’s face turns red, he goes back to his desk and writes the report right away. Afterwards he tells me that I am mean and that he wants to go home to hide under his bed and cry. In any case, I never hear about faking or anything remotely related to sexuality from him ever again.
I start a new job with a coworker who is older than me, yet I am hired to a more senior position with higher salary. It is obvious right from day one that this is irking him to no end. One day as I am sitting in my office, he stands behind me and start messaging my shoulders. As in, yeah! You have the more senior position but I am a man and I can put you down and make you feel uncomfortable. So I move his hands away and ask him politely not to touch me. The next day he does the exact same thing. This dude is asking for it, don’t you think? So I get up to face him and I shout as loud as I can, ”DON’T TOUCH ME AGAIN OR I WILL KICK YOU.” Everybody in the office stops in mid conversation or in mid whatever they where doing and stares at us. The guy’s face turns red and he walks out of my office and sits at his cubicle. From then on, me and him get along just fine and he never gives me a hard time.
I am at a pub with many of my coworkers, at a company social. Paul who has just come back from a long business trip abroad is telling everybody that he hasn’t had sex in a long long time (the whole time he was away) and that he is ready to jump on the first woman he meets. Then he brags about the long list of women he has slept with. Jennifer gives him the self-righteous speech about, “women have feelings, women are not sex objects, yada yada”. Paul says “But these are not real women, one day I will meet a real woman and merry her, these women that I sleep with are not real women.” A downright condescending comment, don’t you think? I look very innocently at him and say “Aaaaaaaaaah! You mean you have been sleeping with a wide collection of plastic dolls, which you left home while on your trip.” Everybody bursts into laughter, men and women. Jennifer is laughing so hard, tears are streaming down her cheeks. The laughter lasts 20 minutes. The look on Paul’s face is worth a million dollar. Yes you guessed it right, Paul never brags about the number of unreal women he has slept with ever again.
I don’t get depressed, I get even. That is my moto. My method is simple. When somebody is putting me down or attempting to embarrass me because I am a woman, I go for the jugular. I become an angry woman. I insult his manhood in the most painfully embarrassing way possible and I do it with humor and wit while keeping my cool. The bigger the audience, the bigger the humiliation.
So ladies go out there and try out this method and write me back with the results. I would be interested in collecting these stories and publishing a “Angry Woman Collection.” on this website.
P.S. Most of the men I have worked with have been wonderful, intelligent and great to work with. However each office seems to have its token representation of the idiot species.
The Way It Is
Acrylic on canvas