Intervention
I felt violated.
As if he was able to read my innermost thoughts. The ones I didn’t tell anybody about. Private thoughts that I didn’t disclose to anybody not even those closest to me. My secret was out in the open for everybody to see. To be exposed in such a public way. How did he know? Did he read my mind? How did somebody who has never met me read my mind?
These were my thoughts as I sat down to watch yet another movie at the Vancouver International film festival. I had just settled down in my seat in anticipation of yet another Palestinian movie. I had seen several Palestinian movies in the past, some sad, some light hearted, some good and some really lousy. But I have never in my whole life seen a movie of any nationality that gave me goose bumps, this one had me galvanized from the first few seconds till the very last.
يد إلاهيه – فلم لإليا سليمان
Divine Intervention, a movie by Elia Suleiman. In the opening scene a man drives though the narrow streets of modern day Nazareth city. As he drives slowly he encounters pedestrians that he is familiar with. He waves and smiles as if to say “Hello there old friend”, but in the privacy of his car’s bubble he curses at each on “You stupid mother fucker” he says under his breath while waving and smiling in a friendly way. “Fuck all your sisters you son of a bitch” when he encounters the next person, “may you burn in hell you sad prick” on and on he goes, each time a wave and a friendly smile. The people sitting behind me in the cinema were laughing at this, but I was horrified.
I remembered a particular day I had while living in Jerusalem. It started with me taking my daughter to kindergarten, where I encountered her teacher.
“Good morning you stupid useless, good for nothing bitch”-- my private thought.
Instead, I force a smile and say:
“Good morning, how are you today?”
On my way to work I stop at the gas station to fill up the car with gas. Out comes the gas station attendant that always gives me creepy looks, like he has never seen a woman before.
“Hey you perv why don’t you go and fuck your self you stupid idiot. Only a desperate woman would even look at you, you prick” – private thought.
Instead, I half smile
“Fill the tank please, and thank you”
Then I go to work and meet one of my coworkers
“Here comes the stupid fuck who is going to make me miserable all day with his useless whining. Oh how I wish I could kick you.”- a private thought.
Instead, I force a smile
“Good morning buddy, nice day isn’t it?”.
Later on I have a meeting with my boss. I walk into his office.
“You pathetic loser, only an idiot would make you a boss of anything. You wouldn’t know how to run a shoe store.” – private thought.
Instead, I smile.
“Hello dear, here is the updated project plan document. As you can see we are making good progress.”
In the afternoon, I drive home for work, I am driving in the usual Jerusalem city traffic jam.
“All these stupid drivers honking like idiots, like that is going to make a difference. I am gonna buy a tank and drive on top of all of you.”
Instead, I exhale and attempt to be patient while the car nudges gradually.
I stop at the corner grocery store to buy bread and milk and encounter the store owner.
“You pathetic loser, wasting your life in a grocery store. If I was you I would be miserable too.” – private thought.
Instead I node my head
“Just the milk and bread for me, thank you.”
At the end of that particular day, I was lying in bed taking stock. I had spent my whole day in a heightened state of mental anguish and agitation. I had negative thoughts about almost every single person I encountered and it was exhausting. I felt completely drained. I wasn’t always like this. What happened to the positive and cheerful woman that I was? What happened to young woman that believed that most people were essentially good? What happened to the person that was eager to meet new people and have new experiences? I was only 29 years old yet I was turning into a grumpy cynical old woman. What remained was the shell, on the outside I was still the polite, smiley and pleasant person. I still said my please and thank you. Luckily nobody could see the manure stream running on the inside.
At least I thought that nobody could see my private thoughts until I saw that movie. I was terrified. Things only get worse after the opening scene. The main character is a Palestinian living in Israel dealing with the daily frustrations of life. He is passing a tank while driving in his car and throws a peach pit at it from the window and it explodes destroying everything around it. He is fantasizing about extraordinary events that help him deal with his frustration. One fierce look destroys a check point tower, a flying ninja woman character attacks a whole army …etc. The fantasies keep getting more absurd as the movie progresses. I remembered my own crazy fantasies while living in Israel, they frequently involved the army base located behind the Hebrew University campus. A toy remote control airplane lands right in the middle of it and blows it to pieces, a flood wells from underneath and washes the whole military base away, the mountain edge breaks away in a massive land slide and the military base ends up in the valley …etc.
Before I moved to Israel, I read the famous Israeli novel “My Michael
” by the known novelist Amos Oz. It is about the life of an Israeli women in Jerusalem around 1948. The novel ends with her fantasizing that the whole city is engulfed in a huge explosion, she watches the city destroyed by fire. I didn’t understand the novel when I read it. Why would somebody fantasize about the destruction of the city she grew up in, the city she called home. When I finished reading the story I thought to myself
“she must be crazy”
“the writer must be crazy”
Now I was joining the craziness and I didn’t even grow up there. In previous posts I told you about how much I disliked living in Israel, what I haven’t told you is that what I disliked the most was the person I was becoming in it. I was terrified. Mostly because my own image of myself was challenged. I assumed that I was a good, loving, caring and rational. I always admired people like Gandhi, Martin Luther King and others. What I realized while living in Israel is how special these people are and the fact that I wasn’t one of them. I certainly didn’t have their strength. I don’t give people advice about how they should follow the example of Gandhi any more; only because I know I myself failed despite best intentions. And if a pampered privileged educated middle class never touched a gun idealistic woman like myself started to have violent thoughts after only 4 years of living in a war zone, was it any wonder that those growing up in refugee camps were having more than just thoughts?
Luckily I had the choice to leave and go back to Canada before more insanity set in and leave I did.
In Arabic we have a saying “May god have mercy on a person who realizes his own worth” – رحم الله إمرأ عرف قدر نفسه
May god have mercy on me indeed.
Divine Intervention is the only movie that I saw were I wished I myself had made movie. I know nothing about movie making and never dreamed of making one. But if I was ever to make a movie it would be Divine Intervention and since it has been made already I guess I am not gonna bother now. I felt the movie was my movie in a weird kind of way. It is also the only movie were I wished to shake the hands of the director. If I could meet Elia Suleiman in person I would tell him: “you are a brave brave man and I admire you for letting us into your inner world. I am relieved to discover that I have a companion in dark dark world I dewelled in for a while.”
As for Amos Oz, my favorite book of his is "Perfect Peace", which I find more hopeful. I still find "My Michael" too depressing even though I understand what it is about at last.
As if he was able to read my innermost thoughts. The ones I didn’t tell anybody about. Private thoughts that I didn’t disclose to anybody not even those closest to me. My secret was out in the open for everybody to see. To be exposed in such a public way. How did he know? Did he read my mind? How did somebody who has never met me read my mind?
These were my thoughts as I sat down to watch yet another movie at the Vancouver International film festival. I had just settled down in my seat in anticipation of yet another Palestinian movie. I had seen several Palestinian movies in the past, some sad, some light hearted, some good and some really lousy. But I have never in my whole life seen a movie of any nationality that gave me goose bumps, this one had me galvanized from the first few seconds till the very last.
يد إلاهيه – فلم لإليا سليمان
Divine Intervention, a movie by Elia Suleiman. In the opening scene a man drives though the narrow streets of modern day Nazareth city. As he drives slowly he encounters pedestrians that he is familiar with. He waves and smiles as if to say “Hello there old friend”, but in the privacy of his car’s bubble he curses at each on “You stupid mother fucker” he says under his breath while waving and smiling in a friendly way. “Fuck all your sisters you son of a bitch” when he encounters the next person, “may you burn in hell you sad prick” on and on he goes, each time a wave and a friendly smile. The people sitting behind me in the cinema were laughing at this, but I was horrified.
I remembered a particular day I had while living in Jerusalem. It started with me taking my daughter to kindergarten, where I encountered her teacher.
“Good morning you stupid useless, good for nothing bitch”-- my private thought.
Instead, I force a smile and say:
“Good morning, how are you today?”
On my way to work I stop at the gas station to fill up the car with gas. Out comes the gas station attendant that always gives me creepy looks, like he has never seen a woman before.
“Hey you perv why don’t you go and fuck your self you stupid idiot. Only a desperate woman would even look at you, you prick” – private thought.
Instead, I half smile
“Fill the tank please, and thank you”
Then I go to work and meet one of my coworkers
“Here comes the stupid fuck who is going to make me miserable all day with his useless whining. Oh how I wish I could kick you.”- a private thought.
Instead, I force a smile
“Good morning buddy, nice day isn’t it?”.
Later on I have a meeting with my boss. I walk into his office.
“You pathetic loser, only an idiot would make you a boss of anything. You wouldn’t know how to run a shoe store.” – private thought.
Instead, I smile.
“Hello dear, here is the updated project plan document. As you can see we are making good progress.”
In the afternoon, I drive home for work, I am driving in the usual Jerusalem city traffic jam.
“All these stupid drivers honking like idiots, like that is going to make a difference. I am gonna buy a tank and drive on top of all of you.”
Instead, I exhale and attempt to be patient while the car nudges gradually.
I stop at the corner grocery store to buy bread and milk and encounter the store owner.
“You pathetic loser, wasting your life in a grocery store. If I was you I would be miserable too.” – private thought.
Instead I node my head
“Just the milk and bread for me, thank you.”
At the end of that particular day, I was lying in bed taking stock. I had spent my whole day in a heightened state of mental anguish and agitation. I had negative thoughts about almost every single person I encountered and it was exhausting. I felt completely drained. I wasn’t always like this. What happened to the positive and cheerful woman that I was? What happened to young woman that believed that most people were essentially good? What happened to the person that was eager to meet new people and have new experiences? I was only 29 years old yet I was turning into a grumpy cynical old woman. What remained was the shell, on the outside I was still the polite, smiley and pleasant person. I still said my please and thank you. Luckily nobody could see the manure stream running on the inside.
At least I thought that nobody could see my private thoughts until I saw that movie. I was terrified. Things only get worse after the opening scene. The main character is a Palestinian living in Israel dealing with the daily frustrations of life. He is passing a tank while driving in his car and throws a peach pit at it from the window and it explodes destroying everything around it. He is fantasizing about extraordinary events that help him deal with his frustration. One fierce look destroys a check point tower, a flying ninja woman character attacks a whole army …etc. The fantasies keep getting more absurd as the movie progresses. I remembered my own crazy fantasies while living in Israel, they frequently involved the army base located behind the Hebrew University campus. A toy remote control airplane lands right in the middle of it and blows it to pieces, a flood wells from underneath and washes the whole military base away, the mountain edge breaks away in a massive land slide and the military base ends up in the valley …etc.
Before I moved to Israel, I read the famous Israeli novel “My Michael
” by the known novelist Amos Oz. It is about the life of an Israeli women in Jerusalem around 1948. The novel ends with her fantasizing that the whole city is engulfed in a huge explosion, she watches the city destroyed by fire. I didn’t understand the novel when I read it. Why would somebody fantasize about the destruction of the city she grew up in, the city she called home. When I finished reading the story I thought to myself
“she must be crazy”
“the writer must be crazy”
Now I was joining the craziness and I didn’t even grow up there. In previous posts I told you about how much I disliked living in Israel, what I haven’t told you is that what I disliked the most was the person I was becoming in it. I was terrified. Mostly because my own image of myself was challenged. I assumed that I was a good, loving, caring and rational. I always admired people like Gandhi, Martin Luther King and others. What I realized while living in Israel is how special these people are and the fact that I wasn’t one of them. I certainly didn’t have their strength. I don’t give people advice about how they should follow the example of Gandhi any more; only because I know I myself failed despite best intentions. And if a pampered privileged educated middle class never touched a gun idealistic woman like myself started to have violent thoughts after only 4 years of living in a war zone, was it any wonder that those growing up in refugee camps were having more than just thoughts?
Luckily I had the choice to leave and go back to Canada before more insanity set in and leave I did.
In Arabic we have a saying “May god have mercy on a person who realizes his own worth” – رحم الله إمرأ عرف قدر نفسه
May god have mercy on me indeed.
Divine Intervention is the only movie that I saw were I wished I myself had made movie. I know nothing about movie making and never dreamed of making one. But if I was ever to make a movie it would be Divine Intervention and since it has been made already I guess I am not gonna bother now. I felt the movie was my movie in a weird kind of way. It is also the only movie were I wished to shake the hands of the director. If I could meet Elia Suleiman in person I would tell him: “you are a brave brave man and I admire you for letting us into your inner world. I am relieved to discover that I have a companion in dark dark world I dewelled in for a while.”
As for Amos Oz, my favorite book of his is "Perfect Peace", which I find more hopeful. I still find "My Michael" too depressing even though I understand what it is about at last.
There is a way between voice and presence where information flows.
In disciplined silence it opens.
With wandering talk it closes. .... Rumi
12:31 PMWhen I first became interested in the middle east I read every Palestinian newspaper I could find a translation of, every activist web site (for instance all of the essays at bitterlemons.org) etc. etc...
What struck me most was the hatred and complete lack of empathy that Palestinians have towards Israelis - that Israeli peace activists tried to build bridges, and that even their humanity was rejected by every last Palestinian they worked with... I'm never surprised that _many_ people in any society can lack empathy, what shocks me is that EVERY Palestinian seem to lack it.
Hatred. Hatred destroys hearts. You can't reject a person's humanity and keep from being consumed.
I think Arab society is very very foolish to support that no-normalization stance. Even a little hatred destroys your humanity if you keep running into it.
I could never live in Israel or Palestine among all of those hating hearts. Hated is poison. Children shouldn't even be exposed to it, and in Palestine they're taught it...
It's good you left.
1:17 PM
Synchronicity. But I can continue the conversation here as well as here.
I have failed too, repeatedly. Yet strangely and recently and perhaps wrongheadedly continue to give people advice that there is wisdom in following the examples of Gandhi, Jesus, et al. to the best of their human limitations.
Is it your impression that Gandhi never despaired? Never had days when he felt that he didn't have the strength to go on?
Matthew 14:35- "he fell on the ground and prayed that, if it were possible, the hour might pass from him."
4:17 PM
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9:19 PM
Why you *9(&(&!(#!! maroon! Doncha know even how to spell "Divine"?
Was that sufficiently Palestinian? ;-p
Seems kind of counterproductive, actually. yuk.
5:12 AM
Ihath, glad to feel I am not alone when these crazy dark thoughts encompass me ! wonderful reflective post as always ...يمكن تقدرين توصلين لقلوب الناس وتفيهم شو الي قاعد يصير.
8:17 AM
Ihath, there's a BIG problem with your Arabic blog right now!! It's all codes!!
9:05 AM
Thank you Najma, I think I fixed it. Can you please try again.
10:35 AM
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12:45 PM
شكراً ياهايلاندر
هذا هو الغرض. أن يفهموا..... مش ضروري يوافقوا بس نفسي يفهموا.
شوفي التعليقات الموجوده. واحد بيقول إن كل الفلطسطنيين همج. واحد بيصلحلي الإملاء. وواحد بيعطيني نصائح عن سيدنا المسيح. طيب هذا لو فالح ليش ما يطبق النصائح علي نفسه. أنا ناقصني نصائح؟ أحيانا بسأل نفسي يا هل تري قروا المقاله إلي كتبتها ولا بيكتبوا تعليقات هري بري. أحيانا بقعد أسب وألعن بس بعدين بقول يلا معلش. يمكن في إثنين ولا ثلاثه إلي فهموا مغزي المقاله. شكراً علي التشجيع
1:32 PM
I've been reading blogs a lot lately, this is the first time I answer one. I grew up in Lebanon in the civil war and in fact I'm preparing a lecture for a conference discussing the civilian experience of war. one of the things I talk about is those feelings of violence and hatred, and how if I had them as a privileged child in a quiet, literary household, imagine what happens to children suffering such deprivation--happening upon the exact same thought in your account was quite something. I'm discussing these things in trying to take on the falsehood of equating 9/11 terrorists with the kids in places like Gaza.
To the other commenter talking about Palestinians all being filled with hatred, maybe you should consider that anytime you say "all" it's racist blather-- It's like saying "All Americans are stupid" or "All Jews hate Arabs". To say all Palestinians feel hate is simply an absurd and meaningless statement.
Patricia Sarrafian Ward
4:23 PM
nice post. it really made a lot of sense to me because there are a lot of arabs at my college. there is this one arab that works in a computer lab and i really hate to ask her for any help when i am working with new software because she just acts strange towards me. every time she looks at me and smiles she is probably thinking to herself that she would love to kill me and my entire family because im an "infidel". it disturbs me to think what she is actually thinking everytime she sees me.
6:06 PM
heh
welcome to the human race
now seriously, I doubt no one else HAS NOT had these kind of thoughts. I myself have them at least one a week... minimum >:>
I doubt that you having these thoughts was purely the result of being in Israel/Palestine. Most likely it was because of the stress that acompanied living there.
now my favorite evil thought would be driving over other drivers in a reaaaaally heavy tank cruching them like tinfoil cans or shooting them out of the road with a bazooka. Then there would be the really bloody ones...
6:07 PM
whoops
forgot to sign the above comment
Javier
6:19 PM
Hello Patricia,
Thank you for your comment. It is of comfort to meet a companion in a sea of advisors,opinionators and preachers.
1:37 AM
OMG Ihath,lich hi shinooo, wallah lazma my tummy oo da adh7ak. I wish I can type arabic, but I dont have the keyboard for it, and even if i do, it probably would take me an hour to write a cople of lines, geez...Bes its sooooo true tho about what goes inside our minds, to be honest with you, I dont actually keep the cursing to myself, I say it out loud, no wonder I always end up in trouble,lol.
I wish the movie will be readily available here, bes I doubt it very much, since this country has a moto of politics is a no go.....ma3a il asaf....
6:55 AM
I seen this movie as well, I found it Ok but getting repitive near the end. And that whole kung fu fighting part was just weird. Have you watched Marooned in Iraq? I wonder what you think of that movie.
8:15 AM
Sami,
No I didn't see Marooned in Iraq, is it good? Should I get it? I really enjoy Iranian movies, my favorite Iranian movie so far is Baran by director Majid Majidi. I loved that movie so much that I rented it and showed it to my kids after seeing it in the theatre. Because they are too young to read the subtitles I had to read the subtitles for them through out the movie. I was exhusted by the end and it was worth it.
Neurotic Iraqi Wife,
All comments from you are welcome in all languages and all formats.
9:51 AM
It's working now.. No problem.
و تدللين..
10:16 AM
شكراً يا أخت نجمه
11:45 AM
I have a story to tell you:
Last Sunday I went to church. I sat and listened to the preacher tell me a series of stories, each intended to get me to think about myself and my life and my responsibilities to my community and my place in the World.
You write well, don't give it up. I wish you great success in finding your Dream. ciao.
3:44 PM
Ihath:
I am curious about your husband's reaction to the film. Did he see it with you? If so, what were his thoughts?
Mark In Chi Town
3:50 PM
Mark In Chi Town,
My husband is from a small town outside of Nazareth. Elia Sulieman is from Nazereth as well. My husband kept reminding me that the director of Divine Intervention is from his hometown while briming with bride. In fact he drove me a bit crazy with that. Also big chunks of the movie is shot in Nazareth as well, including the hospitals scenes and so while he was watching the movie he could recognized individual streets and buildings and that made me get all excitted.
7:34 AM
Oh yes, shared experience. Have never been anywhere near Palestine or Israel but I see people gritting their teeth on public transport in my city almost every day. Sometimes, I wish I couldn't read their minds ;)
3:23 AM
اتخيلي عسكري اسرائيلي بعد ما طفلة انقتلت برصاصه راح لعندها و ضرب 29 رصاصة على جثتها....
ايمان عندها 12 سنة و في جسمها 30 رصاصة....
http://www.haaretz.com/hasen/spages/489479.html
بصراحة مع أحداث متل هيك بحس ان كل الكلام الفاضي اللي بؤمن بيه تبع التفهم و قراءة الناس من خلال مكانهم بالتاريخ و المجتمع و الظروف المؤثرة و كل البشر طيبين... ما بيساوي شيئ... ما بيسوي بصلة....
كنت راح اعلق و اقول ان البوست رائعة يا الن ، بس قريت الخبر و مزاجي اتغير كليا
محمد
9:46 AM
بتقرأ بلوجات ليه لما عندك إمتحانات؟ أنا رح أرد علي تعليقك يا محمد....بس بعد ما تخلص إمتحانات و بالنجاح إنشاء الله
11:26 AM
Don't isolate yourself in your thoughts. Surely you can find another who has returned, like you, to a noncombat area. Take steps to connect with them. I, too, returned from such a situation, alone, and worried that I was damaged. I was, I suffered alone, and finally broke down. Decades later, I dislike the country I left, only more than ever. It makes me sad like a death in the family. If only I had others who shared my experience, with whom I could have analysed what it did to my soul.
Find others who have been and back. Don't lose whatever beauty you now remember. The anger and pain work like acid on the happy memories, too.
2:58 AM
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2:58 AM
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5:06 AM
Nice new design. Next step, comment moderation? Would be in keeping with evident professionality.
5:20 AM
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2:10 PM
Good idea Emigre, It really gives me lots of pleasure to delete comments after the poor fellow spent 2 hours writing it. He he he he.
2:51 PM
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5:25 PM
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8:04 PM
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